A Brief Explanation of What's Wrong With All of Us

So, Valentine's Day has now come and gone and, as i pointed out, i spent it alone. Again. In addition, it is now official: i'm sick. There's no way around that. So, i spend most of the afternoon in bed, trying to not be sick. Instead i just slept and then felt more sick when i woke up. In any event, now i can't sleep, and i was lying in bed thinking, and my current predicament (the whole thing with my being alone) was on my mind. So, here's what i've come up with.

On the one hand, girls are liars and they're stupid. Now, before word spreads that i am, in fact a sexist and confirmed it on my own blog, let me explain and let me add that men are stupid, too. (and please don't read anything into the fact that i use "men" to refer to adult males but "girls" to refer to adult females. It doesn't mean anything, so fuck off.) First, though, let me explain how girls are stupid:

In general, girls say they want men who possess a few simple qualities:

1. Girls want a man that treats them well (included in this is a man that they can talk to, should that need arise)
2. Girls want a man that is funny and fun to be around

Each girl, i think, adds a few things to this basic list (for example, some women prefer athletic men, or men who are sensitive, or men who are actually women) but i think this simple list captures the essence of what women want. In short, women want someone they can identify with, rely on, be supported by, be needed by, etc. Sounds really simple, doesn't it? That's probably because you, whether male or female, dear reader, want exactly the same things.

But these basic requirements can't possibly be the whole story. Why, you ask? Well, simple. Let's take the example of a friend of mine. He's funny. Smart. Fun to be around. Sensitive. He has excellent prospects for future productivity and child-raising activities. He's an all-around nice guy. And he's single. And it's not like he's ugly, either. That's why i'm using my friend as an example rather than myself. I may not fall into the so ugly you can't stop staring crowd, but i ain't no Calvin Klein underwear model, either. Anyway, back to my friend. Why is he single?

I'll tell you why: it's because the criteria by which girls choose mates are all fucked up. I'll take the two criteria i listed before in turn. The first one was "girls want a man that treats them well." Ok, that seems pretty fucking straight forward. Turns out, though, that there are a few hidden qualifiers that we're not seeing. Given these qualifiers, the above statements become the rubric by which women go into the world and try to find mates. I'll illustrate these now, with the hidden words appearing in blue (mostly because i discovered a new feature on here).

Girls want a man that treats them well sometimes (that way, each act of kindness is worth so much more)
or
Girls want a man that will treat them well someday (that way, an immediate physical attraction can be rationalized)
or
Girls want a man that can be changed so that he will treat them well (that way, the girl will be affirmed: he changed for me, she'll say. This, together with the first statement above, explains why girls are attracted to the classic "bad boy")

See what these hidden words do? For whatever reason, the absolute last thing a girl wants is a man that consistently treats here well now.

Let's look at the second basic requirement which, as you'll remember, was "girls want a man that is funny and fun to be around." The same analysis applies:

Girls want a man that is funny and fun to be around sometimes (same as above: this way, each act of funniness will be worth so much more)
or
Girls want a man that is funny and fun to be around but only when he's around only his girlfriend (same as the third example above: the girl ends up feeling special)
or
Girls want a man that is uniquely funny and fun to be around, to the extent that everyone else thinks he's a fucking asshole or boring (again, the girl ends up feeling special: only I understand his unique sense of humor, therefore, we were meant to be together)

Analagous reasoning can be applied to any criteria that women give for who they want to be with and why they are with who they're with. If the above discussion has made it seem that the primary problem is that women are stupid, i apologize. That's only part of the problem (because only some women are stupid). Another, much larger part of the problem is that men have taught women to keep their sights low and to be suspicious of the "good" guys. Women at some point, i imagine, really wanted and sought out what they now only say they want. At that time, the good men of the world must have been beating the women off with sticks. But times have changed. Remember Jurassic Park where some of the female dinosaurs became male dinosaurs so that they could get it on and have baby dinosaurs, thereby ruining the whole Jurassic Park thing? Well, something like that happened: bad men became good men. Only they didn't actually become good men, they became bad men pretending to be good men. And now we must all of us, male or female, suffer. It's our fault, mostly.

The man is actually really simple to explain. It boils down to one thing: men know what appears in blue above. They are aware of what women actually look for (the stuff in the blue) and they know how to emulate those things. But, now, let's think about this: what kind of a person knows how to fake certain character traits for the express purpose of engaging in sexual congress? If you said "douchebags," you're absolutely right.

So let's look at the system we've got. We've got women using lame criteria to choose their mates, and we've got men faking those criteria. Is this really the makings of successful relationships? I think not.

So what should we do, as a people? First, if girls really want a guy who treats them well and who's funny, then consider going out with the guy who treats you well and makes you laugh on a consistent basis. Certainly, just because some guy has a unique sense of humor or stands to improve his personality doesn't mean he should be discounted, but these things shouldn't be taken as prima facie evidence that someone is "a catch," either. Some people, like me, like to give people (including girls) a hard time as a joke, as a form of endearing ribbing. But if i tell you i'll call on Monday, i'll call on Monday. If i tell you i'll pick you up at 8, i'll pick you up at 8. If someone doesn't do those things, some red flags should be going up.

It is men, though, that have the most to answer for. In short, we should be ashamed of ourselves. In the world, there are about 3 billion women, and we seem to make it our goal to treat every single one of them like shit. Well, i, for one, apologize for my part in it and promise to try harder in the future. The rest of you, remember that there's more to women than vaginas.