Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades
Well, i will be goddamned. In another amazing sample of life following (hilarious) art, the Gillette company has actually released a fucking razor with five blades. Yeah, five fucking blades. Six, if you count the one on the back of the thing for "precision shaving."
The truly amazing thing is that The Onion foresaw this a few years ago in what is, to this day, my favorite Onion article ever. Check it out here. I swear, i would put money on Gillette having been inspired by this article. Here are a few choice excerpts:
This is true. The Mach3 was the razor to own. Virtually every man i know sang its praises, and a few women, too. It was so good, in fact, that my friend Mark refused to buy the Mach3 on the principle that it was so good that if he was ever in the position where he could not use the Mach3, he would not shave. Given the possibility of a desert island castaway adventure with only a sharp knife with which to shave, Mark refused to expose himself to the awesomeness of the Mach3.
Perhaps it was a chance, i don't know. What i do know is that the new Gillette Fusion, with a grand total of six blades, is the most amazing fucking razor i've ever used, especially with the vibrating feature, of which i was very skeptical. I'm never using less than five blades again. And that's that.
The truly amazing thing is that The Onion foresaw this a few years ago in what is, to this day, my favorite Onion article ever. Check it out here. I swear, i would put money on Gillette having been inspired by this article. Here are a few choice excerpts:
Would someone tell me how this happened? We were the fucking vanguard of shaving in this country. The Gillette Mach3 was the razor to own. Then the other guy came out with a three-blade razor. Were we scared? Hell, no. Because we hit back with a little thing called the Mach3Turbo. That's three blades and an aloe strip. For moisture. But you know what happened next? Shut up, I'm telling you what happened—the bastards went to four blades. Now we're standing around with our cocks in our hands, selling three blades and a strip. Moisture or no, suddenly we're the chumps. Well, fuck it. We're going to five blades.
This is true. The Mach3 was the razor to own. Virtually every man i know sang its praises, and a few women, too. It was so good, in fact, that my friend Mark refused to buy the Mach3 on the principle that it was so good that if he was ever in the position where he could not use the Mach3, he would not shave. Given the possibility of a desert island castaway adventure with only a sharp knife with which to shave, Mark refused to expose himself to the awesomeness of the Mach3.
What part of this don't you understand? If two blades is good, and three blades is better, obviously five blades would make us the best fucking razor that ever existed. Comprende? We didn't claw our way to the top of the razor game by clinging to the two-blade industry standard. We got here by taking chances. Well, five blades is the biggest chance of all.
Perhaps it was a chance, i don't know. What i do know is that the new Gillette Fusion, with a grand total of six blades, is the most amazing fucking razor i've ever used, especially with the vibrating feature, of which i was very skeptical. I'm never using less than five blades again. And that's that.
You know, I'm thinking I might get the 5 blade, but you know, I got the 3 blade vibrator razor, and it was awesome the first time but very disapointing everytime after that. Also, If you have to much growth, the vibrating hurts like the devil. I guess we must agree to disagree, uless you don't agree to that (joke stolen from Teacher strike episode of The Simpsons).
That's the one where the first proposal is to have robots teach the students, yes?