Spring Break: Day Nine: All Good Things . . .

10:39 am

Final cleanup of the room has started. Zachar is massively hung over. I’m doin’ alright. Cole’s ready for first shift, I’m taking second. Man, it’s really over...

12:40 pm

Just had lunch at the Denny’s across the street from the beautiful Monaco. Now we’re heading north on A1A, beginning our 24-hour trek to Wisconsin. We’re keeping the music low in order to avoid “noise-induced vomiting” on Zachar’s part.

We walked down to the beach one last time before we left. Man, it’s beautiful down here. It’s hard to leave, especially considering all the work we have to do. Personally, I have about 300 pages of insurance law to read, as well as lots of work to do for my clients. Last night, I was ranting about how I’m going to be a shitty lawyer, and this girl at the next table started laughing her ass off. It was kinda funny, I suppose, but it got me thinking about whether I actually will be a shitty lawyer. I guess time will tell.

12:45 pm

Cole just almost killed us. He needed to change over to right-hand lane. The problem is that he can’t see out the back cause we’ve got so much shit back there. Ryan told him that it was not clear, but Cole had already started the lane change. We didn’t get in an accident, but it was kinda close. Let’s hope that’s the closest we come to some sort of vehicular mishap.

5:30 pm, Jacksonville, Florida

Cole’s been driving for a while now. He’s done really well. We remain alive. We’re about to stop for gas and possibly a driver change. I’m the next shift, and the plan is for me to drive through Georgia. I think I’m up to it, although I’m feeling pretty groggy. I’ve been in and out this whole time. Still, the prospect of being home is enough motivation for me to pull it together and conquer Georgia.

After that, the plan is for Zachar or Ryan to driver through Tennessee and Kentucky, and then for the last person to drive the final leg: Illinois and, finally, Wisconsin.

5:53 pm, Maccleney, Florida

Just stopped to fill up on gas. Cole is going to continue driving for the time being. Strangely, we’ve found that this is the same place we stopped on the way down for breakfast at the Waffle House. Strange.

6:50 pm, Just North of the Georgia State Line

Just penetrated Georgia. Cole is still at the helm. The plan is to proceed for perhaps another half hour and then get dinner, after which I will take over and drive.

It took us 6 hours and ten minutes to get through Florida. It didn’t feel that bad, either. When we were on our way to Miami, Florida felt like it was half the trip. It must have been the anticipation of finally being in the same state as our destination, but still being so far away. This time, we’re no where near home yet, so I guess that anticipation just doesn’t exist. I bet Illinois will feel like it took forever, though. Strangely, Illinois felt like it took forever on the way down, too. I guess when Illinois isn’t Chicago, it just sucks.

6:57 pm, Just South of Valdosta, Georgia

We just passed an old Ford Tempo (or something similar) with army men glued to the roof.

10:18pm, Forsyth, Georgia

Stopped for gas. I’ve been driving for a while now, I’m feeling good. I’m sure I can make it to Tennessee.

In the gas station bathroom, there were several condom options, which is good in case you find yourself in the middle of no where and need a condom. In any event, we bought one of the random “toys.” Given the wonderful cream I got, I can now “pleasure her longer,” according to the package. Excellent.

Also, apparently the Georgians don’t know shit about math. Cole bought two Krispy Kremes. He intended to only buy one, but he was told that it was $.74 for one or $.54 for two. Being a reasonable man, Cole bought two. But what the fuck? How could it possibly make sense to sell two for less than one? What the fuck?

1:00 am, Somewhere Just Across the Tennessee Border

Happy birthday, Zachar. You are now old enough to run for the U.S. Congress. Congratulations. Of course, Zachar was the drunkest of us all last night, so I’d say he celebrated just fine. What sucks is that we’re spending his actual birthday on an interstate.

Zachar has started driving, and now I’m in the backseat with Cole. Zachar is a good driver, but he tends to make turns in increments, and he’s also not used to driving a top-heavy vehicle like the seXterra. Still, I’m fairly certain he won’t kill us.

The box in the back that contains the grill occasionally makes a squeaking sound, thanks to the Styrofoam. Cole has started hitting it every time the noise starts, which just makes a sound like some vital portion of the car has exploded. I swear, my heart stops every time he does it.

We looked for the “Beaver Carpets” sign that amused us so much on the drive to Florida, but we have yet to find it, and I’m pretty sure we should have seen it by now. Damn.

We’re more than halfway home now. What an accomplishment. Only the rest of Tennessee, Kentucky, and Illinois stand between us and our home state. By this time tomorrow, I plan on being safely asleep in my own bed. Oh, what a great time that will be.

Zachar just farted.

3:06 am, Just North of the Tennessee/Kentucky Border

Under Zachar’s incremental yet competent control, the seXterra has just penetrated Kentucky. We’re fucking almost three quarters of the way home.

3:48 am, Near Princeton, Ky

We stopped for gas at a Chevron off the highway. The Chevron was closed, but we were still able to buy gas with a credit card. The Chevron was very sketchy, as there were several cars with sleeping people in them. Also, it’s fucking cold! Goddamnit, I miss Florida.

According to our expert navigator Ryan, we are within fifty miles of Illinois. Good fucking God, I can’t believe we’re so close to home. I think I’m about two minutes from going completely slap happy.

4:26 am, Just North of the Kentucky/Illinois Border

Good news: We’re now in Illinois, which means that we only have to conquer one more state before arriving safely in Madison.

Bad news: My iPod has apparently died. Again. This means that we’ve resorted to listening to music from my computer. Right now, that means we’re listening to Keving Federline’s “Popozao,” which even Chris Zachar just described as “so bad!”

5:57 am, Effingham, Il

There’s no other way to put it: things suck right now. We’ve been up for way too fucking long. It feels like I’ve been driving my entire adult life, there are still more than 5 hours to go, and we just had breakfast at a fucking McDonald’s. On the other hand, Cole is offering a reading of our celebrated quote book.

7:23 am, Somewhere Between Effingham and Champaign

We’ve just made what I’m told should be our last gas stop of the trip. I think this is overly optimistic. Also, I’m experiencing new, unpleasant realms of exhaustion.

Also, there was a green clover with the name “James Crowe III” in the hallway to the bathroom in that gas station.

8:41 am, Somewhere in Illinois

Apparently, I was asleep just now and I was singing along to “You’re so Vain” in my sleep. Also, Janis Joplin sucks. Hard. [edit: i'm aware that "You're So Vain" was sung by Carly Simon. However, Janis Joplin came on right around the same time, and i was reminded of my hatred for her.]

9:17 am, Somewhere in Illinois, About 100 Miles South of Rockford

Ryan and Chris are estimating less than 2 hours until Madison. Thank god. The gas station we just stopped at is in one of the saddest locations I’ve ever been to: it’s just flat and barren for miles. There’s a Pizza Hut here. In fact, it’s the same Pizza Hut that me and my Flagstaff friends stopped at on our way to Wisconsin a year and a half ago. I remember during that stop we were disgruntled and angry. During this stop, there’s no anger, just an unrelenting desire to get home and an almost unfettered exhaustion.

10:40 am, Wisconsin!

We’ve left Illinois behind and just crossed into Wisconsin. It’s only a few short miles now. It’s hard to believe that less than 24 hours ago, I was asleep in a hotel bed in Florida. The modern world is an amazing place.

11:00 am, Dane County Wisconsin

We’ve passed through tons of counties on this little trip and now, finally, we’re back in the best one: the County of Dane, home to Madison. How I long to see the Capital.

11:19 am, Madison, Wisconsin

We have finally arrived. Our total travel time was about 23.5 hours, including stops. Not too bad. At last, the dome of the Capital is in site. It looks like a giant milk-white breast (with a gold nipple ring). It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen (aside from real breasts). And I know I’m home. Now it’s time to drop everyone off and, finally, going to sleep.