Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Spring Break: Day Seven: Popozao and Pax Americana

DISCLAIMER: I was drunk when I wrote this. I've left all the spelling errors and stuff in for flavor.

The first thing we did today was cooking burgers covertyly. The first thing Ryan saw was Russian douchebags in their thongs. Then, we decided that it was time to leave, so we went down to our parking lot. On our way down, we saw those fucking Russian douchebags in their ass-flossy-man-thongs. And the Lord said it was bad. We got down to the seXterra, and we realized that the stupid sluts from North Carolina also drove an Xterra. Ryan came up with the nickname “slutTerra,” and it stuck.” And the lord said it was good. Ryan pointed out that they had written “1-800-luv-us” on their rear winsheild, and then had the mindstorm that we should change it to “1-800-luv-USSR” He said this was only due to the need for seven digits. In any event, I fucking added the “SR.” Now those slutgs will know that they are sluts.

We drove for a while, and got to golf. It was a beautiful day. The guy who was working the counter at the golf course said something about Tiger Woods doing the horizontal mambo with his hot wife. In the guy’s defence, Tiger Wood’s wife is really fucking hot.

We played 9 holes of golf. In three hours. I’m told it’s not supposed to take that long. In any event, I should not seek a career as a pro golfer.

Oh, Jesus, drunk blogging is hard.
We lost Zachar for a while, but he eventually came back. Cole won at the real golf, with a 47. Ryan had a 60. I had a 78. For the sake of clarity, this was on 9 holes. Point being: everyone except Cole sucks ass.

I love the fact that Zachar looks so disoriented in this picture.

Cole makes an excellent drive right down the fairway.

I make a horrible drive that ended up 12 feet in front of the tee.

After golf, we came back to the beautiful Monaco and drank a little. Then we went to a place called “Boomers,” where everyone kicked my ass at miniature golf. It was ok, though, because I came in second place at laser tag. This is regardless of the fact that my initial laser didn’t work and I had to switch out in the middle. Whatever, it was fun.

While at the mini golf place, we found an arcade game that involved a wireless remote ninja sword. God, it was the best game ever.

We came back to the Monaco again. We got drunk again. We went down to the beach. We talked about September 11th, about telling our grandchildren about it. About what will happen to America. About how, in order to have children, we will need to have sex again, and have children, and how those children will need to have sex. The following conversation also took place:
Me: We’ve been sitting on the beach for about two hours. The USA could have fallen in that time.
Cole: But the Monaco still stands! That will be our warcry: “Remember the Monaco!”

Before all of this happened, I proclaimed that I had discovered a satellite. “Look, in the sky, what the fuck is that?” I said. “What are you talking about,” everyone said. Then I said “To the left of the moon, the only one that’s moving.” Then Ryan responded: “Do you mean the one that isn’t moving?” To which I responded: “Oh, I guess I’m drunk.”

Then Zachar chased a cat with a football. Zachar tossed the football at the cat but, in an incidence of drunkenness, tossed the football into another resort area. It looked like he considered jumping the fence and going after the ball, but intead returned to MZRM. Then he said that we needed to make an excursion to retrieve the football, so Cole went with him. Cole discovered a gate, the exictence of which Zachar was completely oblivious to. Ryan and I were surpirised. Cole, through sobriety, saved the day. They returned, unarrested and cool.

We hung out down there for a few hours. A few minutes of which, we thought we were getting arrested. In the end, we came back to our room, the Russians tried to break in again, and we fell the fuck asleep. I hope, anyway. Tomorrow is our last full day here in Florida. Let’s hope that Zachar finally catches that snap he’s been waiting for.

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