A Spring Break Primer: Know Your Spring Breakers

First, an introduction to the cast of characters:

This is Chris "The Hammer" Zachar, the most hilarious partner in Martinez, Zachar, Ruby & McNamara. His killing power is off the charts.

Next up: Mr. Ryan Patrick McNamara. Don't let the quiet demeanor fool you, Ryan's a crazy son of a bitch: Ryan can drink seven bottles of vodka and not so much as slur.

Next, I present Cole "The Ocho-Wrangler" Ruby. He might not drink, but he sure knows his way around an oreo cookie. More importantly, he knows how to keep it together when man-thong wearing Russians take over the beach.

And, finally, me, your humble narrator.

It was with this motley crew that we departed Madison. Our destination: Miami. To reach the very tip of America's wang, we would need to travel through Illinois, Kentucky, Tennessee, and right along the shaft itself. Now, i give you my trip journal. This is what i wrote as the events unfolded. I've made a few edits and added pictures, but it's mostly intact.