Strange Happenings At the Jiffy Lube
Ok, i was at the Jiffy Lube yesterday getting an oil change in preparation for our road trip down to Florida. I was in the little waiting room when one of the strangest things i've ever seen happened. I'm going to try really hard to describe this in the most politically correct terms possible. Uncharacteristic, you say? Probably, but this involves a group which i genuinely am hesitant to make fun of. Ok, here's the story.
I'm in the waiting room. Two guys come in. One of the guys is wearing an Oregon Fire Department shit. For those of you who are not currently kicking it in Wisconsin, Oregon is a city here in the Madison area. Anyway, the guy wearing the Oregon t-shirt will henceforth be known as "Jeff." The other guy who comes in i'll call "Bob." Bob was wearing standard clothing, nothing too noteworthy. The following exchange took place:
Bob: So, you wanna get some food before we go over there?
Jeff: What do you mean?
Bob [frustrated]: Do you want to eat before we go see your grandma?
Jeff: I guess, but i don't want to drive all the way home.
Bob: [still frustrated]: We can stop and get food at a restaurant. Do you want to do that?
Jeff: Sure. Yeah, we can go to McDonald's. We can get something off the dollar menu there. You know, i keep hearing about the dollar menu . . .
[Jeff then contiues to talk about the McDonald's dollar menu for a while. Bob just sort of nods.]
Ok, at this point, it became obvious to me that Jeff was mentally challenged, at least in a very limited degree. He was not all there, let's say that. He reminded me of this guy named Phil that i used to work with at a TV station. Phil once announced to an entire room full of people that he wondered if he was circumcized. Everyone was disgusted, but the douchebag of a sports caster asked him "What do you mean?" and Phil said "Well, you know... i was wondering if maybe that's why it's so small." Phil was an acknowledged virgin, 45, and had been thrown out of a strip club for kissing the stripper's breast.
Anyway, back to the Jiffy Lube. Another guy walked in. New guy (i'll call him "Dan") noticed Jeff's firefighter shirt, and asked him about it. Jeff responded that he worked at the fire department, etc. Dan then made a comment that was clearly an inside joke about the Oregon fire department. Jeff clearly didn't get it. Dan explained the joke, and Jeff still didn't get it. Dan let it go. Awkward silence. Jeff asked Dan where he worked, Dan said City of Fitchburg Fire Department (Fitchburg, by the way, is another Madison suburb. I actually live in Fitchburg). Jeff introduced himself as Jeff (Jeff was the first name he gave, i'm leaving out the last name, but i'll give you a hint: it was the last name of a character in The Big Lebowski). The following exchange then occured:
Jeff: Maybe you know my girlfriend, she works at the Fitchburg Police Department.
[at this point, i'm thinking: "you have a girlfriend but i don't? God, where's the nearest tall building with windows that can be opened from the inside?"]
Dan: Oh yeah? What's her name?
Jeff: [Says some girl's name]
Dan: I don't know her. I've heard of her, though.
Jeff: Yeah, we've been boyfriend/girlfriend since middle school.
[awkward silence]
Then Jeff starts talking about fire trucks and shit. Dan starts ignoring him. Jeff clearly doesn't know he's being ignored. Bob looks like he wishes he was somewhere else. Jeff keeps talking about fire trucks.
After about 10 minutes, Jeff and Bob leaves. "What a tool' Dan says. Then he gets on the phone, asks to speak to someone, and then asks "Listen, do you guys have a guy named Jeff working for you?" From his end of the conversation, it becomes apparent that the Oregon Fire Department does not have someone named Jeff working for them. Then Dan warned whoever he was talking to, and suggested he call the police.
So, what the fuck was going on? Here are some unanswered questions:
Was Jeff actually mentally handicapped?
Does Jeff actually work at the Oregon Fire Dept.?
If he doesn't, why would he say he did?
If he does, why would they say he doesn't?
Why would Dan care enough to call the Fire Dept.?
How the fuck does Jeff have a girlfriend, but i don't?
The world may never know . . .
I'm in the waiting room. Two guys come in. One of the guys is wearing an Oregon Fire Department shit. For those of you who are not currently kicking it in Wisconsin, Oregon is a city here in the Madison area. Anyway, the guy wearing the Oregon t-shirt will henceforth be known as "Jeff." The other guy who comes in i'll call "Bob." Bob was wearing standard clothing, nothing too noteworthy. The following exchange took place:
Bob: So, you wanna get some food before we go over there?
Jeff: What do you mean?
Bob [frustrated]: Do you want to eat before we go see your grandma?
Jeff: I guess, but i don't want to drive all the way home.
Bob: [still frustrated]: We can stop and get food at a restaurant. Do you want to do that?
Jeff: Sure. Yeah, we can go to McDonald's. We can get something off the dollar menu there. You know, i keep hearing about the dollar menu . . .
[Jeff then contiues to talk about the McDonald's dollar menu for a while. Bob just sort of nods.]
Ok, at this point, it became obvious to me that Jeff was mentally challenged, at least in a very limited degree. He was not all there, let's say that. He reminded me of this guy named Phil that i used to work with at a TV station. Phil once announced to an entire room full of people that he wondered if he was circumcized. Everyone was disgusted, but the douchebag of a sports caster asked him "What do you mean?" and Phil said "Well, you know... i was wondering if maybe that's why it's so small." Phil was an acknowledged virgin, 45, and had been thrown out of a strip club for kissing the stripper's breast.
Anyway, back to the Jiffy Lube. Another guy walked in. New guy (i'll call him "Dan") noticed Jeff's firefighter shirt, and asked him about it. Jeff responded that he worked at the fire department, etc. Dan then made a comment that was clearly an inside joke about the Oregon fire department. Jeff clearly didn't get it. Dan explained the joke, and Jeff still didn't get it. Dan let it go. Awkward silence. Jeff asked Dan where he worked, Dan said City of Fitchburg Fire Department (Fitchburg, by the way, is another Madison suburb. I actually live in Fitchburg). Jeff introduced himself as Jeff (Jeff was the first name he gave, i'm leaving out the last name, but i'll give you a hint: it was the last name of a character in The Big Lebowski). The following exchange then occured:
Jeff: Maybe you know my girlfriend, she works at the Fitchburg Police Department.
[at this point, i'm thinking: "you have a girlfriend but i don't? God, where's the nearest tall building with windows that can be opened from the inside?"]
Dan: Oh yeah? What's her name?
Jeff: [Says some girl's name]
Dan: I don't know her. I've heard of her, though.
Jeff: Yeah, we've been boyfriend/girlfriend since middle school.
[awkward silence]
Then Jeff starts talking about fire trucks and shit. Dan starts ignoring him. Jeff clearly doesn't know he's being ignored. Bob looks like he wishes he was somewhere else. Jeff keeps talking about fire trucks.
After about 10 minutes, Jeff and Bob leaves. "What a tool' Dan says. Then he gets on the phone, asks to speak to someone, and then asks "Listen, do you guys have a guy named Jeff working for you?" From his end of the conversation, it becomes apparent that the Oregon Fire Department does not have someone named Jeff working for them. Then Dan warned whoever he was talking to, and suggested he call the police.
So, what the fuck was going on? Here are some unanswered questions:
Was Jeff actually mentally handicapped?
Does Jeff actually work at the Oregon Fire Dept.?
If he doesn't, why would he say he did?
If he does, why would they say he doesn't?
Why would Dan care enough to call the Fire Dept.?
How the fuck does Jeff have a girlfriend, but i don't?
The world may never know . . .
Clearly Jeff was a CIA agent, speaking in code. When he said that he worked at the "fire department," he actually meant he was an operative trained in counterinsurgency. When he said he wanted something off the "dollar menu," he was referring to a small weapon, like a pistol, rather than something large like a shoulder-mounted missile. And when he said "had a girlfriend," he meant he banged a terrorist chick last night. It was all very Spy vs. Spy, but Dan was oblivious.
you are a comic fucking genius!
This guy clearly doesn't have a girlfriend and I would probably call the cops if this conversation sounds as creepy as it does. He could be some weird mentally challenged stalker.
Basically he is a liar who makes up having a girlfriend, which is much worse then not having a girlfriend like you. I suppose you could tell everyone you're dating, I don’t know, Britney Spears and then they can compare you to this mentally challenged fellow.