"What the Hell was Anything There?"
Ok. So, Cole and Chris and I went to watch Mission: Impossible III tonight. The following contains spoilers, assuming you can understand what's going on. I'm not making anything up (although I might refer to actors by the names of characters they've played in the past) (I know I'm stealing Cole's schtick, I hope he can forgive me. Cole, at your request, I will take this post down). Still, this isn't a review: it's a summary.
Ok, so, M:I III.
Tom Cruise has settled down. He's no longer a field agent for IMF (which we find out later stands for "Impossible Mission Force," which is the lamest thing I've ever heard.). Now, he works training new field agents. However, the only person he's actually recommended for field duty is Felicity. Fine, whatever.
As the movie starts, Tom is called back to active duty by Douchebag, who informs Tom that Felicity has been kidnapped by Truman Copote. Tom is reluctant to leave Hot Girl and go back into the field, but he must because he feels that Felicity is his little sister (although he hasn't fucked his little sister, as Marsellus Wallace makes sure to ask about). So, Tom goes and saves Felicity. Except that then Felicity dies before she can impart Secret Wisdom upon Tom. So, Tom, Marsellus Wallace, Douchebag with an Accent, and Hot Ambiguously Ethinic Woman decide to bring down Truman Copote. Despite the fact that Morpheus has told us that Truman Capote is "invisible," Tom and Co. find out where he's going to be on a given day: The Vatican. Now, even though the Vatican allows thousands of visitors a day, Tom has to execute an ellaborate break-in scheme. After destroying some probably priceless art, Tom (through Spy Magic) turns into Truman Capote. Then, the crew blows up a Lambourghini (because the IMF expense fund is limitless, apparently).
So, now they've got Capote. Cool. Marsellus Wallace then decodes a secret message from Felicity to Tom, which tells him that Morpheus is working with Capote. Then some terrorists attack a bridge, speak in a foreign language, break out Capote, but don't kill Tom of his cohorts.
More importantly, why the fuck are they attacking a bridge with missles? If they're so sophisticated and hooked-up, why not do something more . . . discrete? Whatever. Then, Tom leaves because he knows that Capote is going to go after Hot Girl. But he gets there too late, and gets taken down by. . . IMF agents under the direction of Morpheus. WHOA! But, hold on, Douchebag tells Tom where to go to save Hot Girl: he has to get the Rabbit's Foot and give it to Capote, who will then give him Hot Girl. So Tom goes to China, where Marsellus Wallace and Co. find him and offer their help. Huh? Oh, Douchebag sent them. Cool. Ok, so, Tom and Co. wrangle up several million dollars worth of expert spy equipment including, but not limited to, two Range Rovers. Tom, in an act of complete impossibility (which we don't see! Instead, we're shown the only piece of character development in the whole movie, which then gets immediately forgotten), manages to recover the Rabbit's Foot from a super-secure (though not really) Chinese building. What's the Rabbit's Foot? A small glass cylinder with a biohazard symbol. Cool.
Then the drop happens. Tom takes a sedative and wakes up tied in a chair with Capote holding a gun to Hot Girl's head. Capote tells Tom he'll kill Hot Girl unless he's given the Rabbit's Foot. Eventually Capote kills Hot Girl and disappears . . . excpet that . . . it's not hot girl. It's some other girl wearing one of those Mission: Impossible masks. Whoa. Then - get this - Douchebag shows up and explains that the Rabbit's Foot can't be authenticated, so they had to make sure Tom actually gave them the Rabbit's Foot. Ok? So Douchebag is the traitor! He's in cahoots with the bad guy! He was using Tom to get the Rabbit's Foot. (Nevermind the fact that, as Tom's superior, Douchebag could have just ordered Tom to get the Rabbit's Foot. Further, this makes the bridge attack make even less sense: Why couldn't Douchebag, a high-ranking official at IMF, just release Capote?). Tom then breaks out of his shackles, disables Douchebag, calls up Shaun of the Dead, gets directions to where Hot Girl actually is, runs there, gets pointed to the gun-wielding terrorists by some old Chinese people, and then gets the shit beaten out of him by Truman Capote (who's conveniently reappeared). Then Truman Capote tells Tom that there's an explosive in his head that - for no fucking reason - will blow up four minutes from now. Why can't it blow up instantly? I don't know. And neither does Tom. And neither does Truman Capote. And the person with the least idea why is the screenwriter. So, then Tom kills Truman Capote, saves Hot Girl, kills himself (in order to save his own life), gets revived by Hot Girl (conveniently a nurse), and tells her about the Impossible Missoin Force.
Kosher? Now, let's review what Tom's done throughout the course of the movie: He failed to rescue Felicity. He fell for the misinformation that Morpheus was the traitor. He committed acts of terrorism against two soverign foreign governments (The Vatican and China). He stole the Rabbit's Foot, a tremendously powerful weapon, and then delivered it to a known terrorist and war monger, merely to save a girl. Then he reveals the existence of a TOP SECRET government organization? Obviously, he gets tried at The Hague, right? Or at least gets put on trial for treason? No, none of those. Ok, well, he gets fired? No. Does he at least have a confrontational relationship with Morpheus? No. Morpheus congratulates him on a job well done. Then, Tom gets offered a job by the White House. *double take* WHAT? Yeah, it makes no fucking sense. But here's the worst part: we never get to find out what the unbelievably powerful "Rabbit's Foot" is. It was a fucking MacGuffin. And if there's one thing I hate, it's MacGuffins.
So, the movie featured explosions, technology, cars, girls, and explosions. But the plot (if indeed there was one) was incomprehensible. Hence the title of this post, a direct quote by Cole.
The obligatory closing:
Your mission, should you choose to accept it: understand why anything in this movie happened to anyone for any reason ever.
Ok, so, M:I III.
Tom Cruise has settled down. He's no longer a field agent for IMF (which we find out later stands for "Impossible Mission Force," which is the lamest thing I've ever heard.). Now, he works training new field agents. However, the only person he's actually recommended for field duty is Felicity. Fine, whatever.
As the movie starts, Tom is called back to active duty by Douchebag, who informs Tom that Felicity has been kidnapped by Truman Copote. Tom is reluctant to leave Hot Girl and go back into the field, but he must because he feels that Felicity is his little sister (although he hasn't fucked his little sister, as Marsellus Wallace makes sure to ask about). So, Tom goes and saves Felicity. Except that then Felicity dies before she can impart Secret Wisdom upon Tom. So, Tom, Marsellus Wallace, Douchebag with an Accent, and Hot Ambiguously Ethinic Woman decide to bring down Truman Copote. Despite the fact that Morpheus has told us that Truman Capote is "invisible," Tom and Co. find out where he's going to be on a given day: The Vatican. Now, even though the Vatican allows thousands of visitors a day, Tom has to execute an ellaborate break-in scheme. After destroying some probably priceless art, Tom (through Spy Magic) turns into Truman Capote. Then, the crew blows up a Lambourghini (because the IMF expense fund is limitless, apparently).
So, now they've got Capote. Cool. Marsellus Wallace then decodes a secret message from Felicity to Tom, which tells him that Morpheus is working with Capote. Then some terrorists attack a bridge, speak in a foreign language, break out Capote, but don't kill Tom of his cohorts.
More importantly, why the fuck are they attacking a bridge with missles? If they're so sophisticated and hooked-up, why not do something more . . . discrete? Whatever. Then, Tom leaves because he knows that Capote is going to go after Hot Girl. But he gets there too late, and gets taken down by. . . IMF agents under the direction of Morpheus. WHOA! But, hold on, Douchebag tells Tom where to go to save Hot Girl: he has to get the Rabbit's Foot and give it to Capote, who will then give him Hot Girl. So Tom goes to China, where Marsellus Wallace and Co. find him and offer their help. Huh? Oh, Douchebag sent them. Cool. Ok, so, Tom and Co. wrangle up several million dollars worth of expert spy equipment including, but not limited to, two Range Rovers. Tom, in an act of complete impossibility (which we don't see! Instead, we're shown the only piece of character development in the whole movie, which then gets immediately forgotten), manages to recover the Rabbit's Foot from a super-secure (though not really) Chinese building. What's the Rabbit's Foot? A small glass cylinder with a biohazard symbol. Cool.
Then the drop happens. Tom takes a sedative and wakes up tied in a chair with Capote holding a gun to Hot Girl's head. Capote tells Tom he'll kill Hot Girl unless he's given the Rabbit's Foot. Eventually Capote kills Hot Girl and disappears . . . excpet that . . . it's not hot girl. It's some other girl wearing one of those Mission: Impossible masks. Whoa. Then - get this - Douchebag shows up and explains that the Rabbit's Foot can't be authenticated, so they had to make sure Tom actually gave them the Rabbit's Foot. Ok? So Douchebag is the traitor! He's in cahoots with the bad guy! He was using Tom to get the Rabbit's Foot. (Nevermind the fact that, as Tom's superior, Douchebag could have just ordered Tom to get the Rabbit's Foot. Further, this makes the bridge attack make even less sense: Why couldn't Douchebag, a high-ranking official at IMF, just release Capote?). Tom then breaks out of his shackles, disables Douchebag, calls up Shaun of the Dead, gets directions to where Hot Girl actually is, runs there, gets pointed to the gun-wielding terrorists by some old Chinese people, and then gets the shit beaten out of him by Truman Capote (who's conveniently reappeared). Then Truman Capote tells Tom that there's an explosive in his head that - for no fucking reason - will blow up four minutes from now. Why can't it blow up instantly? I don't know. And neither does Tom. And neither does Truman Capote. And the person with the least idea why is the screenwriter. So, then Tom kills Truman Capote, saves Hot Girl, kills himself (in order to save his own life), gets revived by Hot Girl (conveniently a nurse), and tells her about the Impossible Missoin Force.
Kosher? Now, let's review what Tom's done throughout the course of the movie: He failed to rescue Felicity. He fell for the misinformation that Morpheus was the traitor. He committed acts of terrorism against two soverign foreign governments (The Vatican and China). He stole the Rabbit's Foot, a tremendously powerful weapon, and then delivered it to a known terrorist and war monger, merely to save a girl. Then he reveals the existence of a TOP SECRET government organization? Obviously, he gets tried at The Hague, right? Or at least gets put on trial for treason? No, none of those. Ok, well, he gets fired? No. Does he at least have a confrontational relationship with Morpheus? No. Morpheus congratulates him on a job well done. Then, Tom gets offered a job by the White House. *double take* WHAT? Yeah, it makes no fucking sense. But here's the worst part: we never get to find out what the unbelievably powerful "Rabbit's Foot" is. It was a fucking MacGuffin. And if there's one thing I hate, it's MacGuffins.
So, the movie featured explosions, technology, cars, girls, and explosions. But the plot (if indeed there was one) was incomprehensible. Hence the title of this post, a direct quote by Cole.
The obligatory closing:
Your mission, should you choose to accept it: understand why anything in this movie happened to anyone for any reason ever.
Absolutely dead on review. And to be honest, I didn't want to review this movie all that much. Again, I thought it was entertaining, but....meh. So thank you for saving me the trouble. Just don't let it happen again.
Also, when Hoot comes out, I'm reviewing Hoot. I may not see it, I may not have any idea about who or what is involved, but I'll make something up. Hoot.
I think the only thing this movie was missing was a kung fu fight between Morpheus and the Pope. And a giant mechanical spider.
Also, you forgot to mention the explosives Truman Capote put into Maverick's head that could be activated instantly, but took well over five minutes to explode.
Mr. Utah, I have now made the required edits: the idiocy is laid bare.