Are Legislators Stupider Than 12-Year-Old Andy?

One time, when I was a kid, a friend and I decided that we were going to start throwing rocks at this wasps’ nest. Why? Why not? How dare these stupid little wasps move into the vacant lot we liked to hang out in. How could we have sword fights (read: wave sticks at each other) or play tag (read: run around screaming) or have meetings of our super-secret club (read: sit around) with these fucking wasps all around? The fact is we couldn’t. They invaded our God-given turf and we were taking it back. The fact of the matter is that the wasps pissed us off, and, goddamnit, we were going to piss them off in return. By throwing rocks at their nest.

The thing with 10-year-old on wasp warfare is that there isn’t much strategy. In fact, our only real plan was to throw rocks. Somehow, we didn’t stop to consider the inevitable (and now, given the intervening 14 years of experience, painfully obvious) retaliation tactic the wasps would have at their disposal. More intelligent 10-year-olds (I was actually probably a little older – like 12 or so) would have realized that the wasps were likely to employ the nuclear option (read: swarming and stinging anything that moved), but not us. More intelligent 12-year-olds may have even come up with a strategy for dealing with the inevitable response from the flying insects, but not us. More intelligent 12-year-olds may have employed such simple tactics as shouting “run” when the wasps started getting really angry, but not us.

No, we just threw rocks at the thing. And when the wasps started coming out, we just took that as confirmation that we were awesome. Here, now, is my thought process during the next few seconds:

Look! All it took was a few rocks and you’re leaving your beloved home! We 12-year-old humans may not be allowed to drive or stay up late but we sure are way fucking smarter than you dumbass, flying insect fucks (I started cursing at an early age). Man, I didn’t know there were so many of you in there. No matter, you’re all leaving. We win, man, one to nothing! Hmmm… why are you coming towards the source of the rocks? We’ll just have to increase our rock output and the speed of the rocks. Hmm… wait a minute… IT’S A TRAP!!!!!!!! THE BATTLESTATION IS OPERATIONAL!!!!!!!!!! FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my dear god in heaven, they’re right on top of us – thousands of them! Run! Run! Oh, shit, one of them is ON MY FUCKING FACE!!!!!!!! Get it off!! Get it off!!! I can’t get it off!!! SWEET MERCIFUL FUCKING CRAP, IT STUNG ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND IT HURTS!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT MY MOMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What had happened was that one of the fucking wasps had flown towards me, landed on my eye, literally, and then stood there for a few seconds. I swatted at the thing, essentially hitting myself in the face, but the wasp’s grasp was too strong. I couldn’t take it off my eye, so I watched as the thing stung me in the eye (not literally the eye ball, but the eye lid, although very close to the actual eye). It was during these few seconds that I developed my intense dislike and fear of insects. This lead me to eventually postulate the Andy Rule of Inter-species Friendliness, which holds that if an animal has less than two legs or more than four, I don’t want to have anything to do with it.

In any event, when the wasp was done with its evil deed, it flew off. The thought that it would soon be dead was my only comfort.

I ran home. My mom put ice on my eye and I proceeded to reflect on how much my eye hurt. And the fact that I couldn’t see out of it. And the fact that the last thing I had seen out of it was a fucking wasp taking up my entire visual field. Not cool. Then, I found out that wasps don’t die when they sting you. So, not only had that fucking wasp inflicted great pain upon me, it hadn’t even fucking died!

Fucking bullshit.

So why am I sharing all of this with you? Merely to draw an analogy. Today, the United States House of Representatives passed a non-binding resolution saying, basically, that the United States will win the “world War on Terror.” You can check out the full text of the resolution here. I won’t bore you too much with a rant about how the resolution is pretty fucking stupid. I mean, a non-binding resolution saying we’re going to win the war? So, the House can pass non-binding resolutions saying pretty much anything, it seems. Well, that’s pretty awesome. I suggest they get to work on the non-binding resolution proclaiming that the United States will find a way to make 1,000-proof alcohol. Nevermind that that would be 500% alcohol, meaning that there would be more alcohol in the liquid than there is liquid, the House passed a non-binding resolution; it doesn’t mean shit.

While I’m not intimately familiar with war strategy generally, or with the particular strategy being employed in Iraq, what I do know is that there are a hell of a lot of people in Iraq that are really fucking pissed at the U.S. for stirring up their country. Whether this anger is justified or not is a different question. The point here is that they’re angry, and they’re going to keep fighting us at every turn because, in their eyes, we’re invading their homeland (again, I’m not addressing whether we actually are invading their homeland – I’m merely saying that this is how they feel). Just think: how would you react if someone came into your country and toppled the government? I know that if some outside power overthrew the American government (even if the current administration was in power) I’d be damned angry, and I’d fight, if it came to that.

So Iraq is full of people who see themselves, justifiably or not, as freedom fighters. They believe, correctly or otherwise, that they are fighting to liberate their country from a foreign, imperialistic power. Moreover, we are not adequately equipping our troops. We’re giving them shitty helicopters, insufficient body armor, and decades-old technology. Whether Iraq is Vietnam, Part II, is a question I’m simply not qualified to answer. But I’ll say this: it’s a fucking quagmire. Hell, I’ll take an even bolder stance: if we’re going to win over there (sidenote: what does “winning in Iraq” mean, exactly? Is it establishing a “free and democratic” state or something else?) we can’t keep doing what we’re doing. Our troops need to be better trained and equipped, we need a plan, a strategy, and we need to have a clear goal in mind. And, yes, we need to start thinking about when our troops can start coming home.

Am I advocating that we “cut and run?” No, not at all. And you know what’s interesting, House Republicans, although some Democrats have called for an immediate withdrawal, they are in the minority. The Democrats’ position, as near as I can tell, is something like this:

Well, fuck. We threw a bunch of rocks at the wasps’ nest that is Iraq. And now the wasps are swarming. We should have seen that coming, but we didn’t. So we should probably do whatever we can to keep the wasps from stinging us in the eyes, cause that would suck. Still, though, we should make sure that the wasps settle down and don’t sting anyone else, cause that, too, would suck. So, you know what we need? A plan. I know, I know, we’re throwing more rocks. That’ll be part of the plan. But that can’t be the whole plan because – see how the more rocks you throw, the more wasps come out? – yeah, that’ll keep happening. And that would suck. So how about this? How about we throw some rocks, but then also do other stuff, like assure the Iraqis that they’ll get to run their own country just as soon as they stop stinging everything that moves?

But in the current political climate, one where everything you say can and will be twisted, perverted, confused and used against you, a reasonable, well-thought out argument asserting merely that we need to rethink how we’re approaching the war is unpatriotic. I never thought I’d see the day when wanting to have a free, frank, open debate about something in America was considered unpatriotic. But here it is.

In short, I’m not saying we should “cut and run,” and neither are the majority of the Democrats. What I’m saying (I’ll let the Democrats speak for themselves, if they ever get their heads out of their asses) is that what we’re doing just isn’t working. I believe we can win this war. We do have the best troops in the world. More importantly, whether we should have gone into Iraq originally or not, we can’t just leave now. We have to win or all those lofty goals we talked about when we went in there – freedom, democracy, justice, human rights – go right out the window. We can win. Iraq can, someday, become a free, independent, democratic country. But we can’t win like this.

But in this political climate, in an election year, it’s so much easier and faster to say “America will stay the course, we will not cut and run.” Well, I’m sorry, House Republicans, but you’re all a bunch of idiots.

We can’t just stir up the wasps’ nest and then, when we get stung, stir it up some more and expect not to get stung again.