The Source
Prompted by PJ's story of unbelievable idiocy, i did some wikipedia research. The habanero article at wikipedia noted that Habanero peppers are widely considered to be very fucking hot. So hot, in fact, that they generally rate at about 100,000 to 350,000 Scoville units. Wondering what the fuck Scoville units are, i clicked over to the article on Scoville units. It turns out that the Scoville scale is a way of ranking and quantifying hotness. Originally, the Scoville measurement would be determined by diluting the hot stuff being tested in sugar water in decreasing concentration until a panel of 5 tasters could taste no hotness at all. Now, the hotness is determined by using advanced scientific methods (read: magic) to determine that actual concentration of hot stuff (capsaicin) exists in the solution. For reference, a few relevant Scoville measurements:
Now, in case you think that this hot sauce is the figment of some wikipedia editor's imagination, here's the manufacturer's webpage for "The Source." Note the price: this fucking hot sauce costs $85 per ounce. For reference, the price of gold is about $500 per ounce and the price of silver is about $9 per ounce (i'm ignoring the difference between Troy ounces and normal ounces. A Troy oz. is about 10% greater than a normal ounce. There are 12 Troy oz. in a pound rather than 16.) So, this fucking hot sauce costs about the same as almost a pound of silver. For hot sauce.
I think our mandated course of conduct is clear: we must get our hands on "The Source." We must fool someone into eating "The Source." We must make sure we have alibis.
I propose some sort of Atrium money-raising scheme. Who's down?
16,000,000 - pure capsaicinOk, now, i want to point something out: there apparently exists hot sauce that is hotter than pepper spray. For context, remember that pepper spray is the shit you're supposed to spray on someone when they're trying to rape you. So, there are people in the world who actually put stuff on food that is hotter than rapist repelant. That's fucking crazy.
7,100,000 - "The Source" hot sauce
5,300,000 - Police grade pepper spray
100,000 - 350,000 - Habanero chili
2,500-8,000 - Jalapeno pepper
2,500 - Tobasco Sauce
0 - Bell Pepper
Now, in case you think that this hot sauce is the figment of some wikipedia editor's imagination, here's the manufacturer's webpage for "The Source." Note the price: this fucking hot sauce costs $85 per ounce. For reference, the price of gold is about $500 per ounce and the price of silver is about $9 per ounce (i'm ignoring the difference between Troy ounces and normal ounces. A Troy oz. is about 10% greater than a normal ounce. There are 12 Troy oz. in a pound rather than 16.) So, this fucking hot sauce costs about the same as almost a pound of silver. For hot sauce.
I think our mandated course of conduct is clear: we must get our hands on "The Source." We must fool someone into eating "The Source." We must make sure we have alibis.
I propose some sort of Atrium money-raising scheme. Who's down?
damnit! that parallel didn't even occur to me. i'm a fucking moron! ok, no spiking someone's drink. we'll have to get people to sign up for a FULLY VOLUNTARY tasting of "The Source."
Yes, inject the ocho with a colorless hot sauce, or even just vinegar. Brilliant minds surround me.
I'm down with the source, in microquantities at first. The question is, can you take me on, you they call "Martinez?" In the spirit of fair play, no drinking beforehand.
Do you really think I'd be naive enough to eat a spiked Ocho? Or to let another construct my Ocho for me? Perhaps you don't share my respect for the institution of the Ocho, because if you did, you'd know they are not to be toyed with. Anyone embarking on such a colossal undertaking should know that you never let another person construct your Ocho unless you have absolute trust in that person. When you're about to down eight layers of Oreo filling at once, you don't want any funny business. And anyone who attempts to perpetrate such funny business will face the consequences.
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